Monday, May 31, 2010

The Tale of an Exorcism.

I had believed that I understood what it was like to be pushed to my limits.
I was wrong.
One Thursday morning, I woke up and instinctively knew - knew it was that time again.
I heard it in the rustling trees - I smelt it in the scent of the wind.
Flash the headlights, right into my eyes. One is never really ready for it.
I felt scared. 
I felt exhausted. 
I wasn't ready. I never am.I wanted to be held, protected.But exorcism, I am afraid, is a solitary business. 
You have to do it alone. 

When it descends on you, you know the time has come. There is no rain-check.  
I have been here before you, see. This right of passage. This initiation. This poignant,crude  and savage embrace.
It screams and grunts and taunts and spits and rages at you.
You can never say that you were not warned. The precursors have been sent. The invitations are always sent out long before this party.
Its' whispers are entangled in the very wind. 
But, somehow in the chaos of it all, these memos get stuck up on the fridge ; amongst the mundane  clutter : "Call plumber re leaking toilet" and "Get dog food asap".
Yes - the memos that caution were efficiently sent. They are attached instead to your soul with Emily Strange fridge magnets.
Reminders that you have started saying things that are against your values, you  are consorting with people that behave diabolically. 
Sometimes the advertising campaigns are low budget, but, this particular time, I confess, the universe spoon fed me. 
It made neon signs :
The brand new car pulled into the executive parking bay, personalised numberplate emblazoned with brash and brutal honesty : TEUFEL. 
"Teufel" translates as "devil"I have mistranslated, you think to yourself, and shake your head.

But, it nags and it whimpers in the early hours of the morning.
It entwines itself in the very air you breathe.
You react by making excuses to justify your participation to yourself : comply in order to survive: "It's like this everywhere."

I am stronger than this you think.

It all eventually becomes so unbearable that you start choking on those vile, fetid energies. 

Then it succumb to the lust for reality. The lust for life itself.

You know that you cannot pretend, even for one more minute. 


Suddenly, you start to kick furiously to the waters surface - your lungs aching and pounding and burning.


"Congratulations and welcome to your exorcism."

Seldom do I manage these experiences with the finesse or dignity I might have preferred from myself. 
I am never as brave as I hoped I would be. 
And, whenever these unavoidable little daemonic possessions crop up in my life,  I take the first step insecurely. Awkward Auto-pilot. Of course, I use the word 'step' loosely:  It is never one step, really.  I think it is more accurately described as that one step beyond which there is  simply no return. 

It's more like a shove - clumsy and unpolished. The truth ? No other decision was actually possible for me.
Out of the matrix.

Cold. Shivering. Alone.

The cleansing commences without announcement : panic attacks,vomiting, anxiety, insomnia.

The questioning. 


This is, in my experience, the worst part. The identity struggle . It can often cause  a type of paralysis : I completely forget myself – and with that – the meaning of possibility.
The ritual does not happen at once. It torments, it toys, it teases.

I have begged it for mercy…and at times thrashed against it wildly.
And, yet again I find myself at that bridge.

Again I see my life as if I stood apart from it.
Empowered and helpless.
Be under no delusion,  you preside over your exorcism.
The impact is electric.

There is aftershock.
The awakened senses…
I experience everything so intimately again – like with being with a lover - shock /sensation/connection - not unlike the pleasure and pain of passion.

All expression is exorcism. They are metaphoric, and they are spiritual differentiators.
Blessings, to rid yourself of negative thoughts and/or negative people with malevolent influence over you.  

Anyone who limits their vision to memories of yesterday is already dead, anyway.

The most important battle is the one in which you conquer yourself. 

Exorcism. We all need one once in a while.

1 comment:

  1. We do need cleaning of out hearts and lifes. BUT once a long while.